writing the wrongs

2006-07-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

I love you more than anything in the world! You are truly the greatest gift that I have ever had. Hold me tight baby; never let me go. I thrive on your love.

2006-06-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

The nightmares come and I wake
Cold chills and suffocation
doubts and the quivering shake
drown in your love's medication.
by SCS

But what fears me most are the nightmares that come while I am awake. I find myself in meditation, begging for those thoughts to leave me. Let my mind be clear; put those things behind me. I know too much, and it burns my wounds with salt, yet that is still not the thing that hurts the most.

2006-06-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

I just keep remembering that a promise is a PROMISE! If you can't keep a promise, what can you keep?

2006-06-24T05:49:00.000-07:00

A promise, is a promise in my eyes
Can’t say you’re gonna just to compromise
The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined
A promise is a promise you can’t deny, there’s no way
A promise is a promise, in my eyes
Can’t say you’re gonna just to compromise
The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined
A promise is a promise you can’t deny, there’s no way
A man’s only as good as his word
A promise is a promise, in my eyes
Can’t say you’re gonna just to compromise
The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined
A promise is a promise you can’t deny, there’s no way
No way, there ain’t no way
A man’s only as good as his word

2006-06-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

Why do people say "all is fair in love and war." What a horrible statement! How could anyone possibly place love in the same category as war.

2006-03-27T15:44:00.000-08:00

You have no idea how much I appricate and love you. I nothing will ever change it.

2006-03-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

You are so strong. You are thick as iron. You are hard as oak.

2006-03-15T15:15:00.000-08:00

I am sorry that I am so encumbering; I just love you so much and know all to well what kind of wonderful and great man you are. At times, I know that I am insecure, and this must bother you greatly. Thanks for your patience. It shows how much you really love me. I trust you with my heart; I had never given it away like this before. You have been more than gentle with it. You are an awesome lover. I am glad that I share tender moments with you.

You are and always will be the love of my life.

2006-03-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how much I learn from you and grow to love you more each day.

2006-02-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

Last night I walked home alone in the cold. My hands and face were freezing, and it felt as if my lips were numb. Trying not to focus on how cold my body felt, I gazed up into the night's dark sky.

At first, I was greeted with what seemed to be miles and miles of space as empty as my soul has felt at times. Maybe this space was just as cold as I was now, or perhaps it just appeared to be this way for lack of anything else.

After conscienously reflecting on this idea, my eyes began to wandered farther beyond this void vailed area, and my eyes connected with the moon. It was even brighter than it was when I was in Haiti (bright moon over the ocean, never seen anything like it). This beautiful luminous sphere is absolutely dreamy, just like my baby's baby blues. For centuries this heavenly body has provided hope and comfort to mankind, and it has been revered in wonderment, and yet once more it didn't cease to amaze as it was guiding me home that night.

When looking at the moon, I was distracted by something that seemed to stand out even more; the stars. These sky diamonds sparkled and danced in the cold night. Watching them twinkle, I began to ponder.
As a child I dreamed of the stars and made wishes on them, and as a teenager I employed myself with reaching for them, but what role do they have now? Then an abstract thought hit me. The stars are a lot like people.

There are some that are really far away from us, and no matter what we do, we will never touch them. Distance makes and keeps us detached to some. Then there are those that are so close that we can reach right up and touch them; call on their names whenever we so desire. There are those that burn with the brightest intensity, but there are those that flicker and burn out soon after they have began, and yet still those that never know what it means to shine. Some cluster and there are some that have courage and faith enough to stand alone.

I looked at one star in particular on this night. In looking at it, I allowed my imagination to run. It was by far the most beautiful star in the sky. It sparkled above the rest. Something about this star reminded me of someone I am particularly fond of. The more I looked at it, the more I thought of him. He is the star I always reached for and felt I could not touch. Somehow fate had a different view, and I was lucky and caught this star. After I did, I gathered him up close, cause I didn't want him to fade away from me. He has been like the north star, guiding my life through the murky waters like no one else possibly could. What an excellent job he has done filling my night skys! I smiled as I thought about how wonderful the stars and people can be. They both have the potential to make our dreams come true. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to make one more wish of my star.

A few seconds later, a car blew its horns, letting me know i had wondered off my path. I wiped the tears out of my eyes, looked up at my star and found my way once more. My star had brought me this far, and it I know it would bring me safely home.

2006-02-01T06:02:00.000-08:00

I look at you and what do my eyes see? You are looking at me so lovingly. You take my breath away. Promise me that in my life you will stay! Love that you give to me is so heavenly, it fills my heart and amazes me. Tenderness I have never felt before, that beautiful smile as you walk in the door, shows me that you couldn’t love me more. It’s meant just for me and I can feel your heart reach out and let me know that you loved me from the start. Will you stay and be the love of my life? Help me through all life’s strife. I promise to be there in good and bad to make you smile and love you when you are sad, take you to paradise and make your heart glad. Erase all the negative thoughts in your mind, because you will see that you are truly mine. As I take you to the highest peaks of love, hold on tight to me for I am afraid to fall. Will you stay and be the love of my life? Cuddle with me all through the long night. Keep me warm and guide me with your insight into loves endearing and loving light. Will you stay with me?

2006-01-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

What can I say? You leave me speechless. You calm my nerves. You ease my fears. You stand up for me when you shouldn't? What can I say? Things that I have concealed way too long; they creep up on me and interfer with how I conduct myself. Because they have been uncapable of loving me completely, I assumed you would do the same. Because they attach conditions to their love, I imagined you would too. Because they abandoned me in my times of need, I thought you would take up flight. How wrong I am, and I am how much greater it is that I am wrong. It doesn't, and never has bothered me to be wrong. Being wrong gives you that much more opportunity to learn and grow. I am just glad that I can share my experiences with you;)
You are more than I ever thought I deserved. You have my heart, and I really do feel as I tell you, because without you I................

2005-12-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

What turned out to be a horrible day for my boo turned out to be one of the greatest days of my life. Duh, no, not because it was so horrible for him (come on now, you know I don't get into that kind of sick pleasure. What do you take me for?), but because all my dreams and feelings were reaffirmed tonight. Tonight, I saw the greatest man that I have and will ever meet get off a ragged old bus at a ran down hotel. Although the surroundings were not so great, he was more than radiant. I will never forget the way he stood out from his environment, and how he commanded attention in way he carried himself without even trying. So elegant and refine; true artistry in motion. He is my dream come true, and dam he is as hot as fire.
You know how as a small child you always dream of the wonders that you will have when you grow up? I never really focused much on the material things I would have, nor the great feats that I would accomplish. I guess they weren't really important to me. I know that I will have my day in the sun in those areas. More importantly, I always dreamed of having a wonderful companion and true love; a sweet prince. I knew I loved Josh, but tonight, I know that he is my heart and soul. He is my dream come true. So tonight when he stepped off that bus, I was reminded that my prince has come to me for certain, only trading his white horse for a big silver greyhound.

I love you always and forever!

2005-12-26T09:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas has came and went for another year. It was nice to see family members and friends that I hadn't seen for a quiet some time now, but it seems that Christmas doesn't have the same appeal that it did several years ago. Maybe my feelings about Christmas are changing, maybe I am growing up, or maybe it's just a little bit of both. I can't get excited about it anymore; Presents aren't even fun anymore. Hopefully, all the cheer and excitement will come back to me soon.

On the contrary, I am getting very excited about completing my internship next semester. I think it will be loads of fun. There is so much to learn and do. I know that its going to be the shit! And when hard times come, I will have my boo in my corner to support and cheer me on. Then when its all done, I will be graduated from college- the first person in my family ever to obtain a bachelors degree. I am about to start getting myself ready for a masters program as well. Much is happening and its all very motivating.

Joshy, my light and joy, comes home tomorrow. I already know that I am going to cry when I look at him, cause he means so much. He is just so touching with the things he says and does. He is so intelligent and stimulating. I just cant get enough of him. To think that a man as wondrous as he is could love someone like me! If I had a great Christmas gift this year, I guess its Josh.

I hope everyone else had a great Christmas.

2005-12-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to Cheeseburger with Natty and Keyonna. God I love my friends. They are such good people. It was nice to get out of the house for a minute.

Natty and I went and looked at this apartment. It was so too much fun. I would so love to be his roomie.

My baby comes home in 6 days! I cant wait to see those baby blues again:)

2005-12-19T05:09:00.000-08:00

Oh lord! Its been a bit, so I should start writing again. A series of unfortunate events (no pun intended) feel upon me since last time I posted on my blog. After a traumatic C-section, I lost my single puppy, Lizzy, that my dog had carried. After I noticed that Lizzy seemed to be lethargic, so I checked her heart rate. The heart rate was a bit low, so my mom and I packed up and headed off to the best bulldog vet in Indiana, Dr. Lee. However, before we made it, Lizzy died in my arms. The look on my face might have given it away, because my mom stopped in the middle of the road for a split second to ask. I was at a loss for words. Lizzy was gone and there was nothing that I could do. I held strong through it all though.

Furthermore, my step-dad was fired from his job after 32 years of devoted service. The company is down sizing, and he has the second highest salary. This has made him a prime candidate to be let go. As much as I claim that I have little regards for this man, it's untrue. While he has not been the most kind, caring, and supportive father figure, he has done the best with what he knows. I feel bad for him. He is super stir crazy. I think inside he feels like less of a man or that he has somehow failed our family. You know how prideful fathers can be. He will be back to work soon though, of this I am sure. Until then, I will just keep him good company.
When things start going wrong, it seems that they don't stop for a while. It's the whole "when it rains, it pours" proverb.

However, I have sought and found refuge under an umbrella. What an excellent person he is! I never had someone care about and for me the way that Josh does, nor have I cared about someone as I do him. And while there are times that I think that I am not good enough for someone as grand as he is, he is always quick to remind me the he choose me! He is beautiful, smart, and confident. He is so mentally sound. He is my best friend. By far, he is my best asset. I can never find someone like him. He is the love of my life! Some people wander through life never finding their true love. How sad this must be.

Josh I love you more than anything. I swear!

2005-11-30T11:28:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I take my dog to the vet so that she can get a C-section. It's all very exciting. After eagerly waiting for 63 days, I will finally know how well this breeding went. Hopefully all will go as well as I have planned for it to be. It's just so much work, both prep work (looking at pedigrees, evaluating dogs, AI, etc.) as well as nuturing and caring after the puppies are born. I guess the end result though will justify the hard work!

I have been down lately because I know that with the puppies' arrival I will not have all the time that I used to share with Josh. A small part of it is my own selfishness, I guess, but I am greatly disturbed about departing from him for this short while. I love him more than I could possibly discribe on here, and I want to see to it that he is well cared for. Josh is no weakling, but he deserves so much. I just fear that I will not be able to give him all that I have so far in the next coming months (I am not talking about material things either). It hurts me to think of him hurting. I dont want my baby to be lonely. I dont want him to see other lovers hugging and kissing and wonder where his love is or him longing for times when he will share those moments too. I want him to be supported all the way. He is most capable man that I know, and he deserves to know and be told this everyday. He needs someone who will listen attentively, just as I have, as he tells his jokes, desires, and dreams. I have never let him want for anything, and I dont want it to start now. I still swear that I wont tell him that horrible two letter word (NO).

I totally trust Josh, and he is the only man I have ever given my heart to. I know that this will only be a temporary thing. Sooner than I know, I will be back with him, and as strong as ever.

I promise that I love you, now and always. I will be there for you whenever you need me. You are my everything. I promise I will make you happy.

2005-11-26T07:26:00.000-08:00

After much preparation, Thanksgiving has came and gone. I cleaned my house for more than a week for this one special day, knowing that 25 people were going to come and totally destroy it again. It's kind of defeating to work so hard for little appreciation, but oh well. I did enjoy myself with my family, as we are such a close knit bunch. Having so much fun with them will make piecing things back together not so bad.

Things between my S/O and I have been super. It is so amazing to know that one person can make another person so complete and fulfilled. It is also funny how we are able to learn so much about ourselves through other people. I promised that I would gloat over it so much though. I know how much I talk about it already. I am sure that it can be annoying.

Reflecting on my college career, I am so disappointed. It has been such a joke. Who would believe that you can make it through college with out doing this little? I don't study, I don't read, and I barely take notes, yet I have maintained a mid-three average and am in two honor societies. Things tend to come naturally to me, which is a blessing and a curse combined. While I retain information and can acquire knowledge easily, I have never had to develop a strong work ethic. I am not easily defeated though. I now know that anything worth getting is worth working for (yes Josh, you taught me that). Watch for a rising star in the world of academia!